Oksana (Russia), Dagrun (Norway), Lukas (Czek), Janet (China HR), Alice Principal (China) Olive – EC (China) Me, Vlad (Russia) Mfundo (South Africa), Phillip (Austria) Carlos (Columbia) and Cathy in front (Madagascar)
This journey has been anything but easy. And boy, I sure continue to give myself the doozies. I shook my hands at my leader last year and said, “I am too old for these kinds of lessons!” and I guess I opened some flood gates.
Being on a spiritual path, you are never too old for lessons. They continue. It is like letting a genie out of a bottle, you can’t put her back. God continues to lead you towards your goals.
Since the scam artist, I have realized so many things about myself. I guess this is par for the course when I have been, since January, having my coffee with my fur-babies and watching Joyce Meyers. Yes, she is a Christian minister, but I needed something. Something positive and uplifting. Not to sound repetitive.
Having a good attitude no matter what God brings me. Keeping positive in the mountains AND the valleys. And if I haven’t damn well accomplished this on the journey to China, my name is Rumplestiltskin.
I started this post explaining all that has happened to me to get here. But what I realized when I got here, my brain continued to expect the worst, and the lessons in patience continued. I had to put a stop to it, so I don’t want to focus on the negative. It has been a great deal, including being put on an airplane back to LAX because they wouldn’t let me through in Shanghai. Or my documents from the Chinese Embassy being sent by FedEx to the first town the hurricane hit, THE DAY of the hurricane touched down on land!
But I am here now. And I am focused on the goals at hand. I came here for several reasons. With the learning experience of teaching in China, I will be able to teach anywhere in the world. It wasn’t something I initially wanted to do, but I am in debt because of last year and I need to pay it off and start saving again. I wasn’t finding freelance work that paid enough to get out of debt.
I also realized, after working for two decades to get a degree and a job that I can work from home – freelance writing and editing, I can’t do it as a ‘living’. When you start putting a necessary price tag on a creative venture, it takes away the magic and abilities to produce anything of substance. I kick and scream not to do it, and I distract so easily for many reasons. It needs to be a side venture. I need something else to pay the bills.
I asked God what would do that, and the teaching in China showed up again. It showed up when I was working at SFSU many moons ago. But I did not have a BA then. I do now. But, I also thought, with my strong beliefs, I could not come to China because I did not agree with their government. And again, Joyce showed me something different.
I am a journalist, for Pete’s sake! You cannot expect to make a difference in something you avoid. Joyce has been in China, supplying the underground Christian movement with materials to spread the word of God. I won’t do anything illegal, but I have to come and report my experiences here. I cannot avoid what I don’t agree with. As a journalist, I have to hit it head-on. She was instrumental in changing my perspective about things I disagree with.
I also have parts of me, that I cannot go into great detail about yet, that need the structure of a real job. So this is great. I will get the experience, and then I can find jobs worldwide to teach. I don’t agree with spreading English all over the globe, because I love diversity. But it IS the language of business, and commerce so there is no reason why I can’t get on with that aspect. That won’t change. So I will have a job anywhere. It will allow me to pay off my debt, save for the future, and have a job anywhere after this.
The next reason I came here, is to really dive into and focus on the path I started this year in America with the changes in ME. With Christine, I totally realized I have NO boundaries. I do everything I can to help others, sacrificing myself along the way. I always knew this about myself, but I didn’t mind because others’ karma is not my concern. Only mine. But not having any boundaries is another mess altogether. It is MUCH bigger than I thought.
I go along with what everyone says. I don’t need to argue my truth. I never stand up for myself. I don’t share deep and personal details about myself with friends who don’t believe in what I believe in. I would do anything for those I love. But this transfers out into the world, and strangers take advantage of me, and Heather gets sacrificed.
No more. In order for it to stop on a grander scale, it has to stop with everyone. I have to learn to say no without guilt. I have to stand up for myself. I have to be ME 100% – even if others don’t believe in ME. It hasn’t been easy.
Long-time friends are used to me being a certain way, and change is hard for some. I’ve had to push away some people I love and care about while I am on this part of my journey, because I have to be me without push-back of any kind. I’d hoped for understanding, but I am hardly receiving it. However, this time…I have to be true to myself even if it means betraying others. I hope someday they understand.
This is what I have to do now, so no more Christines bite me in the ass. I have to take this time to get stronger, to be me in every fiber of my being. There are parts of me that have been brewing and cultivating since I was 15, and the only people I could share these things with were my sister and my grams – both of them gone. It is a very lonely existence when you have aspects of yourself that would scare others off, so you keep them hidden and hidden and don’t allow them out.
But they keep knocking and knocking, and at some point, you have to let them out. I can say I am a Highly Sensitive Person, and I am an Empath, to put a few labels on me. I hate labels. They make things scarier and bigger than they are. But those are two. You can google that.
But I am also tuned into realms that would scare the hell out of most people. It scares the hell out of me, which is what I have banished for so so long. But it keeps knocking. The path keeps calling me. But it isn’t something you can google-search to find help with. But help I finally think I found, so I have to pursue this also this year, alone.
I see when I am cut off from my native language, and thrust into a world of another language, it expands my brain and awareness in ways I can’t begin to describe without sounding bat-shit looney. And I may be! Haha. But it is Heather, and this time I have to answer the call. Doing it from here, I won’t have to worry about what others think until I am standing strong in my own reality.
I’ve pushed most people away since coming here. But that is another realization of being an adventurer. I feel I have to chase others to get them to talk to me. Remind them of me, that I am still alive, just on the road. I don’t like that feeling, or doing it. I won’t do it anymore. If you love and care about me, you know how to get a hold of me. I am too old to go chasing others around and wasting my precious energy. As Tracy Chapman sang so eloquently.
Another goal is my weight. I have lost almost 40 pounds on Keto and Intermittent Fasting, and I plan to kick that into overdrive. I have been patient with myself right now, because I am still adjusting and not sleeping well, and I have to get a mattress to remedy this. I’ve been on a tight food budget too until I have a regular salary. But I am prepped with exercise, videos, a yoga mat, and strength-training bands. I plan to leave here at my goal weight and with my goal body. Come the 31st, (I always start new Monday) I will have a schedule all planned out. I have done great so far!
Me and Dagrun, Cathy, Lukas
I am so happy to be here. I have made friends. I have the means to make everything happen for myself. It all feels so positive. My goal is for one year, but if I can manage it, I might do two years. That will build up my savings even more. I want to buy a small flat in Greece. I have to think about my future travels and goals.
God is making the way. I am just following. I don’t request a whole lot anymore. God knows I love the Mediterranean and asking to be there forever isn’t too much to ask. How I get there is up to God. So I jump without a net or question. I have been doing this for a while.
There are spiritual folks out there that manifest their desires. I don’t. My faith in God is about taking what shows up from the universe. I am here as a result of that. I have the faith of a truckload of mustard seeds. I don’t need a physical bridge for it. I have been on this path since 16.
But I want everyone to know, I love them dearly. This is nothing personal, this is me being selfish for the first time in my life because I have things to do. I have to be me. I love you so much, and I hope you will understand someday and forgive me for having to do this.
When I arrived, I had to deal with the negative teacher I was taking classes over. Dagrun really really helped me to stay positive as a result. Her beau Lukas, they have been SOOO Helpful! Love everyone I have met. My sweet Janet has walked with me, and helped me SOOOO much! I can’t have done it without Janet.