As I expand the subjects I am writing about, I feel it is necessary to give a synapse of how the journey began for each topic. I promise I won’t repeat the story with each post.
One of the things I don’t usually talk about is my faith in God. Most of the people who surround me don’t believe in the things that I do, so I keep to myself.
A Fresh Start
I came from a “once Catholic” family thrust into modernity by my accidental arrival. My aunts were bringing home trans-channelers, books on Edgar Cayce, Seth Speaks, Ramtha, Whole Life Expos, tarot cards, dream interpretation and anything else metaphysical under the sun in the 1980s. Life took a new direction in our family, and it met me at puberty’s gate.
All of my life I felt something was missing. The only knowledge I had of God was given at church. I was led to believe God could only be found through churches.
In my later twenties, I welcomed a nervous breakdown after a relationship I knew was the last of its kind. I wore it into the ground and made it as bad as it could get so I could tear it all down.
My grandmother had shelves of spiritual books I was reading and borrowed since I was a teen. Dick Sutphen, Ramtha, Ruth Montgomery. We were seeing psychic mediums become more ‘mainstream’. Still, I felt the committee meeting behind held in my mind was holding conferences in a room I wasn’t allowed to attend. I remember after a night class at the Junior College in Santa Rosa, waiting at a bus stop. A girl walked up to me, randomly, and asked me if I knew Jesus. I heard one of Cheech and Chong’s skits in my head and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I talked to him this morning.”
Finally Moving to the Bay Area
Then, my dream of living in the Bay Area came true, with my “future husband” (not). I was able to go to school full-time and Oprah and I hung out between classes. With her, she brought Gary Zukav, Dr. Phil (I love him!) Wayne Dyer, Ilyana Vanzant, and any other guest she had – we were having daily A-HA moments together.
Once again, these books that sat on my grandmother’s shelves moved their way to my shelves so I could stare at their spines all the time – they either called to me so loudly or performed one of those ‘meant to be moments’ by falling off the shelf onto the floor.
Either Oprah or a guest spoke of the far-out collection of books, Conversations with God. Transchanneling? Automatic writing? None of the ‘how’ was discussed.
It wasn’t even that far out. But, when I finally picked them up and read them? What I read blew my mind. I never did so much thinking, and sorting through my life memories, thoughts, and feelings of my ENTIRE existence before. I felt the foundation being pulled out from under me and I was looking at all the trash, baggage, and issues as they fell.
Taking My Hikes
I was attending a junior college surrounded by the ocean and nature. It was the first time I had finally lived EXACTLY where I wanted. Most of my big thoughts took place on a walk, hike, or run.
At the time, one of my besties was a HUGE Keannu Reeves fan so she thrust her latest find on me – the band he had formed, Dogstar. For some reason, I fell hard for the music and the two albums they made became my running music. And mantras.
One day, one song’s beginning lines kept circling around my head:
If I take all the love I have for myself and I give it all to you…would it kill the big monster that lives down inside, and throw all the history aside?
It was so simple, I couldn’t believe my ears. If you have no love for yourself, what are you giving away, your monsters that live down inside? An odd A-HA moment but I strive to not give anyone my monsters. Everything started to fall into place. For the first time in my life, I felt the foundation of HEATHER was at least defined and begging to be built.
We Are All One
Once you realize God is everywhere, in everything, in everyone and in the nothing and in the space in between – ALL OF IT is God – it is like letting a big fat Genie out of the bottle and you cannot put her back. When you face Mother Nature, the oceans, the seas, the universe and see the grand design at work and God’s beauty in everything, it becomes harder not to be touched to tears by the beauty of it all. When you see yourself as having a place and importance in the grand scheme of things, it becomes harder and harder to keep disliking yourself. OR anyone for that matter.
I don’t want to bore you with all the details, but this was the beginning of a new and exciting, but very difficult path. Once you let the genie out…
Spirituality is you decide for yourself what God and life mean to you. Religion is others deciding what it means for you. Usually, sprinkled with sin and FEAR. Anything rooted in fear is not God. Not that I am one to tell you.
I believe everything happens for a reason and it is all for our spiritual growth. To expand our awareness to include God in everything. To cultivate such blind faith, you are grateful for the experiences that show up instead of trying to control everything. I believe in Saints, Signs, and Signals – that God is talking to all of us all the time, guiding us. It is a fine-tuned radio station that you have to listen to.
The idea of separation from all that is is an illusion. We are all one, we are all in this together with our brothers and sisters. All paths lead to God, we all return to God in the end.
At least, that is part of my take on it, and I do what I can to walk my talk.